Hello, hello my esteemed readers; happy to see me again? You are? I know you’re lying and you were hoping this was a new Onii-Chan Theatre, but I appreciate the thought. Anyspunk, welcome to another edition of Mischif no Snark! Just an FYI, I will be changing the name of these segments sometime soon, the current one was only supposed to be a working title until someone (cough) posted it early. But anyway, that’s not what you’re here for, you’re here to see me rip on some shitty eromanga, right? Right! So let me just dive in this bitch like the cunning linguist I am:
First up, We’ve got Love Assistant, whose apparent protagonist is a bitch of an eromangaka (that’s “eromanga guy” for you gaijins out there). He manages to snake an assistant from his editor, and wouldn’t you know it, the assistant he gets sent is a fine-ass bitch. Don’t you just love it when things go better than expected? Anyway, the protagonist tells us shit we could already figure out…
and amazingly he works up enough balls to ask her to model for one of his characters. After he gets all the poses he needs they both get these really funny-looking determined faces…
…And get back to work. After what I’m guessing is a couple more minutes, we get the most non-shocking revelation ever…
…followed by one that is only shocking if you’ve forgotten what you’re reading.
She asks him to get naked too when she models her pussy since it would be uncomfortable otherwise, and he just dives right in.
He tries to imagine his dick inside her, but nothing doing – he has to try the real thing. You know, for art. She gets scared and asks him to stop, and he delivers one of the funniest lines I’ve ever heard in a doujin, followed by the best (and probably only) “I’m gonna fuck you under the pretense of art” spiels ever…
At first I misread it as “But I can’t just calm down”, like she got him all ret to go and by god he’s gonna put his dick in something, and it made it so much funnier. Anyway, he manages to bring her around to his side before jamming it in, fuck noises ensue, and they go through a orgasm discussion that pretty much goes like this:
Him: I’ll come outside!
Him: I’m coming inside!
Him: It’s okay, it was just a littleOH GOD I’M COMING AGAIN!!
Her: Wait, I wanna come! Let’s come together!
Him: OK, but I’m coming now!
Her: Come inside me!
Him: Are you sure, I think I should pull out!
Her: No, give me your semen!
Him: Here goes! SPLURRRRRRTTTTTT
After which it looks like she’s birthing some sort of alien creature that will end up killing us all…
…and she goes home. A bit anticlimactic, but whatever.
And next we have Melissa & Ueda Fumi’s Situation, abbreviated MUFS in the title because there was no fucking way I was typing that shit out. Anyhow, MUFS is a “normal” doujin set in a high school, which would be a recipe for some fairly standard fapping, except for one thing. You see, apparently the women in this universe can’t seem to make babies (probably a result of too much tentacle rape – I’m just sayin’.) Anyway, with no babies comes no schoolkids and apparently enrollment has tanked. Thus in order to attract new kids each school each school has to do all kinds of crazy shit, and in this school all the boys have to go through some shit, I bet it’s something random like agreeing not to give rape permission slips out to the girls, this is Japan after all…
…the FUCK?! What self-respecting dude would want to go through something like that?
The HOMEROOM TEACHER? What is this I don’t even why does he even have to do it? Is he going to the school while teaching it? Do they have a strict Steven Tyler policy where every dude must look like a lady? God, that makes me so angry; I don’t give a fuck how broke you may be, but essentially setting yourself up to get plowed by a tentacle monster is never the answer.
Awright, let’s get on with the story before I have me a rage stroke. So apparently this chick Ueda and this chick Melissa are in the Japanese Culture Research Club, and their teacher liaison has gone on maternity leave and if they don’t find a replacement for her in a week, the club will be disbanded. I mean, I think it’s pretty harsh that they’ll disband the club instead of put it on hiatus cuz the liaison’s out having a baby, but that still doesn’t hold a candle to making the entire school essentially one big trap. Okay, so they want Sakuragi to fill in for their incapacitated liaison because Melissa’s an exchange student who’s only there till the end of the school year and wants to learn as much about Japan as possible, and every other teacher they’ve asked has like three other clubs to deal with, but unfortunately so does Sakuragi. So they realize they will have to resort to more drastic measures…
…and it looks like we might be going somewhere interesting until…
HOLY SHIT ANOTHER GUY?! Is there anyone in this universe that doesn’t have a dick? And then she…HE is named MELISSA? What kind of sick parents would name their male child Melissa? Were they planning on having their child go to Sex Change High from the beginning? I don’t know! Then the only person that we don’t know has a dick for sure starts sucking Melissa off, making my boner more confused than when I went to a Final Fantasy convention and watched Guilty Gear with a bunch of effeminate Clouds. Then the teacher with a dick has a thought I’d rather not know about…
…and we get treated to a line of text that the translator had to tell you he didn’t fuck up translating.
Not to mention we find out that Melissa’s cock is so much longer than all of ours that she (you know what, fuck it, I’m calling him she) sucks herself off on the reg, and the teacher is apparently impressed.
Then the possibly-dude pulls a dildo out of nowhere, and the inevitable happens.
And it is at this point that I must call shenanigans. You see, I’ve been a guy for quite some time now, and while I have never stuck anything in my ass, I must question even the slightest possibility that a dude’s ass would come when you put a dildo in it. I mean seriously, Japan’s a pretty fucking weird place – you could probably find just any ol’ person on the street who would agree to get a dildo stuck in his ass just to make sure it can’t splooge. A couple more frames of butt-jizzing and the teacher gives in to the boy-on-possibly-boy buttsecks, and agrees to become the temporary liaison if they stop being such possible-butt-pirates. But of course, no good deed goes unpunished, and the best way to say “thank you” in Japan is to…that’s right, JAM IT IN.
Fuck noises ensue, then we find out that possibly-a-dude is actually a girl! Hooray, this doujin isn’t a total trap-fest!
More fuck noises ensue, some face-thrusting, and the teacher finds out that “D” stands for dildo…
And everyone get someone’s else’s sperm in them. No homo. After the fuck noises die down, we find out that Melissa wants to stay in Japan after her exchange, but in order to get her trap visa her breasts have to be bigger. Them’s the rules.
Hooray, we’ve gotten through another edition of Mischif no Snark! Now that wasn’t so hard, was it? All that crying for nothing, and now we can go for ICE CREAM! Yeah!