Oh, I bet you weren’t expecting me back so soon! That’s right, Mischif no Snark [Ed. Note: Mischif who is decidedly not Onii-chan. Different people, guys.] is back without taking another twenty-seven-week hiatus! I’ve come across some more awesomeful doujins along my quest to fap to every piece of Twilight/Naruto fanfiction on the internets, and I’m sharing them here with you.

Up first is Pony-ON!, a K-ON doujin that begins a bit boringly with one girl, Yui, extolling the positives of the ponytail to her friend Mio:

This gives the friend Mio (who is apparently a songwriter, I don’t know, I’ve never read the manga/watched the anime) an idea for a song. As an aside, when I first read this I thought there was no way that Japanese pop music could actually be this saccharine and derivative, but then I remembered the Japanese put Pikachu on the side of one of their jumbo jets so all bets are off when when wondering what Japan can’t and won’t do.

Back to the story, Yui offers to tie a ponytail for Mio, but as it goes Mio just ends up getting hog-tied.

To quote one of my associates: “It be like that sometimes.” Mio tells Yui her nape is quite sensitive, causing Yui to make one of the most absurd images of being blindsided I’ve ever seen…

…before going all Chester-Molester on Mio. Much thigh-sucking and clit-rubbing occurs, until…

That’s right, this is a futa doujin! Yui just jams it in and comments on her lack of a hymen. Mio responds that she’s never had sex with a man, which means…

Awwww yeahhhh, there’s more than one! This new character Ricchan asks how Mio could cheat on her so soon, Mio responding with the question of whether or not she is oblivious to the ropes that have her bound more than David Carradine due to genetics. But then Ricchan decides she just doesn’t give a fuck anymore and decides to join in the fun – for SCIENCE! Mio gives Ricchan a wrong-hole warning, but when has that ever stopped anyone before?

After double-teaming Mio for what looks like five seconds, Ricchan and Yui give each other the thumbs up…

…and unleash an affirmative-action, we-can-do-it-if-we-work-together power-of-friendship tag-team, peppered with some of the most awkward, slightly unsettling, mildly-hilarious music euphemisms I’ve ever seen.

Everybody spurts at the same time, and afterwards we find out that this entire situation was just a ploy by someone who might be their manager to blackmail Mio into wearing whatever they wanted. I mean, there are probably easier ways to blackmail someone than having them hogtied and double-teamed by some J-pop dickgirls that make too many music euphemisms, but that’s just me.

Continuing on this route of unintentionally hilarious euphemisms, we come to Carefree Riders. We begin with the female Ikushima propositioning the protagonist Oono (who has a fuck-awful name btw, it’s like he should’ve been an enemy in Okami or something) to have sex with her. This is pretty much par for the course, but she is operating under some exceptionally terrible fuck-logic:

Of course, we find an ulterior motive behind her proposition:

He agrees, and we jump cut to them naked in a love hotel. She asks him why he agreed to go along with this (is “pussy” not good enough?), and he counters her terrible logic with some of his own…

He finally starts to get handsy, flips her over, and she initiates the ensuing torrent of horrible bike euphemisms:

Fuck noises ensue, along with more bike euphemisms.

They both come, he invites her on a road trip, and she seems to get unnecessarily defensive, like she thinks she’ll be replaced by the bike:

Madam, some advice: if I had to choose between sticking my dick in a heated-up bike and a heated-up woman, I’d take the woman every time. I’m pretty sure he would too, so you don’t have much to worry about until I figure out how to keep my fleshlight from melting inside my muffler.

And so we come to the end of another installment of Mischif no Snark! As always, comments, criticisms and crap comics to crack on are completely cool, so feel free to contribute in the comments!

For those of you who were hoping for a new Onii-Chan Theatre, it must suck to be you right now. For everyone else, welcome back to another installment of Mischif no Snark! I know I said I would change the name, but then I got to thinking, and I realized that slight as it may be, there’s still some brand equity in the name, and it would be foolish of me to just discard it. And I can’t think up witty titles to save my life. Anyway, I know it’s been a while, which is why I’m coming back with a three-fer of some of the most awfulsome doujins I’ve seen yet. Now, ON TO THE SNARK:

We begin with The Love Is Forbidden Swimming Club, where we find the protagonist getting chewed out by the swim club captain for a girl having the audacity to step out of the kitchen and ask him out. The captain decides that the best way to rectify this situation is to give him a blowjob. Neither I nor the protagonist are entirely sure what this is supposed to accomplish, but he’s getting his dick sucked so I don’t really think he cares.

She makes him cum and swallows like a champ, and he squeezes her clit till she comes in reciprocation. He flips her over and jams it in, and when he asks if he can come inside her she gives the okay because this time is “special”.

Fuck noises ensue and we are treated to a cumshot that looks like a water balloon being filled with expired milk.

He pulls out and starts fingerblasting her, which makes his fingers look like they’re covered in wallpaper paste:

And we find out that this apparently turns him on, as he gets in her for the next round. More fuck noises follow, and we find out that he has a name for fucking a chick after giving her a creampie:

Apparently sperm-dick becomes her new word-of-the-day, as it’s damn near the only thing she talks about until the end.

He blows another load, and afterwards finally decides to reject the random female’s advances. Who knew all it took was to be fucked by one girl to not care about another? Anyway, she suggests that if he just has to have a girlfriend, she can step up for the position. But she forgot, love is forbidden in the swimming club.

Right, that’s one load down, on to the next! Up now is Proper Exchange!!, a strange doujin that begins strangely enough with a female protagonist, Makoto. She keeps trying to get a look at the lead male Yuuki’s phone, but he won’t let her. She keeps harassing him to let her look at the phone until he slips and falls down some stairs and brings her with him. True gentleman. He breaks his phone on the way down, which apparently had a 100,000-volt battery because they both get zapped with a couple bolts of lightning.

They pull themselves together afterwards, but something’s different:

OSNAP THEY’RE IN EACH OTHER’S BODIES YO!!ONE

They retire to one of their rooms, where Yuuki-now-in-Makoto’s-body is flipping out, but Makoto-now-in-Yuuki’s-body is strangely nonchalant about the whole matter.

I’m not too surprised about that, if you have a dick you seem to be golden in Japan. In addition, it is also at this juncture that we find pretty much everyone in Japan’s a bit of a rapist, but you apparently need a dick to want to do something about it.

Makoto-now-Yuuki decides to tease Yuuki-now-Makoto (henceforth referred to as male and female, respectively), and basically comes to the conclusion that fucking will make everything better. Why am I not surprised.

I shouldn’t be surprised that she decides to go along with it either, since apparently she’s an emo little bitch. Some groping, nipple-tweaking and ass-grabbing ensues, followed by a finger-bang for good measure. She gets all “are you gonna have sex with me” girly on him, and he jams it in in reply. He apparently got the hang of those balls pretty quick.

He tells her he’ll go slow, but he doesn’t know how long that’ll last since he’s a guy now. Wow, he’s more of a guy than he thinks. She comes ahead of him, but apparently they’re still stuck in each other’s bodies. She comes to the conclusion that they weren’t fucking hard enough, and gets on top for round two. More fuck noises ensue, and they both come with the same result. In the end, he decides it’s fine to be stuck like this, since she now looks so super-cute. And there’s the fact that he has a dick now, that’s a plus.

And finally we come to Yamauchi-San To Yamauchi-Kun, a manga whose name made me originally think it was incest but was apparently just coincidental. We open with the woman Eriko being trounced in the rankings yet again by her rival Takayuki. He’s apparently a prodigy or some shit, but she thinks he has some sort of secret that by God she will discover. After asking to study together in the most harmful way possible after the tests have ended…

…when he finally agrees and they’re in his room she goes snooping around as he steps out to get more tea. And of course, like she would if she snooped in any boy’s room, she managed to find his porn.

But I don’t think she expected to find porn with her face on it.

He comes back in the room, they turn into rabbids, and of course in the ensuing struggle they somehow manage to fall on the bed.

He declares his undying love for her in the most annoying and slightly creepy way he can, and whips her tits out.

We find out that as smart as he is he can easily mistake “fuck-me eyes” for “murder eyes”…

…and when she tries to get away from him, he rides her like a horse and forces her to agree to stop being “tsun” and start being “dere”. She agrees, and he commits what is not only the cardinal sin of essentially raping someone, but of dealing with women in general.

You do not EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER let a woman with eyes like that have access to any body part you wish to retain ownership of. EVER. EVER. He may be book smart but he must’ve failed the shit out of Man School, or not even have shown up because that’s like the first lesson.

Amazingly she doesn’t immediately bite his dick off, but gives him a handjob that is so boring he starts to fall asleep. Of course not making him come now would be dishonoring her family, so she switches to a blowjob that in contrast is apparently so good he has to hold her head down to make her swallow his baby batter. To apologize for humping her face 30 seconds ago he fingers her until she comes and just jams it in, again a bit surpring since she was a virgin as well and she doesn’t seem to be in any pain. Fuck noises are made, and a creampie is baked for everyone to enjoy. Mmmm.

In the end he manages to convince her to come over every day to “study”, and at the end of the final exams she’s dropped from second right behind Takayuki to 44th. He tells her if she undergoes “special training” she’ll rise back to second place behind him, and…she doesn’t take it well.

And so we wrap up my triumphant return to Mischif no Snark! As always, comments, criticisms and crap comics to crack on are completely cool, so feel free to contribute in the comments!

Hello, hello my esteemed readers; happy to see me again? You are? I know you’re lying and you were hoping this was a new Onii-Chan Theatre, but I appreciate the thought. Anyspunk, welcome to another edition of Mischif no Snark! Just an FYI, I will be changing the name of these segments sometime soon, the current one was only supposed to be a working title until someone (*cough*) posted it early. But anyway, that’s not what you’re here for, you’re here to see me rip on some shitty eromanga, right? Right! So let me just dive in this bitch like the cunning linguist I am:

First up, We’ve got Love Assistant, whose apparent protagonist is a bitch of an eromangaka (that’s “eromanga guy” for you gaijins out there). He manages to snake an assistant from his editor, and wouldn’t you know it, the assistant he gets sent is a fine-ass bitch. Don’t you just love it when things go better than expected? Anyway, the protagonist tells us shit we could already figure out…

and amazingly he works up enough balls to ask her to model for one of his characters. After he gets all the poses he needs they both get these really funny-looking determined faces…

…And get back to work. After what I’m guessing is a couple more minutes, we get the most non-shocking revelation ever…

…followed by one that is only shocking if you’ve forgotten what you’re reading.

She asks him to get naked too when she models her pussy since it would be uncomfortable otherwise, and he just dives right in.

He tries to imagine his dick inside her, but nothing doing – he has to try the real thing. You know, for art. She gets scared and asks him to stop, and he delivers one of the funniest lines I’ve ever heard in a doujin, followed by the best (and probably only) “I’m gonna fuck you under the pretense of art” spiels ever…

At first I misread it as “But I can’t just calm down”, like she got him all ret to go and by god he’s gonna put his dick in something, and it made it so much funnier. Anyway, he manages to bring her around to his side before jamming it in, fuck noises ensue, and they go through a orgasm discussion that pretty much goes like this:

Him: I’ll come outside!
Her: OK!
Him: I’m coming inside!
Her: WHAT?
Him: It’s okay, it was just a littleOH GOD I’M COMING AGAIN!!
Her: Wait, I wanna come! Let’s come together!
Him: OK, but I’m coming now!
Her: Come inside me!
Him: Are you sure, I think I should pull out!
Her: No, give me your semen!
Him: Here goes! SPLURRRRRRTTTTTT

After which it looks like she’s birthing some sort of alien creature that will end up killing us all…

…and she goes home. A bit anticlimactic, but whatever.

And next we have Melissa & Ueda Fumi’s Situation, abbreviated MUFS in the title because there was no fucking way I was typing that shit out. Anyhow, MUFS is a “normal” doujin set in a high school, which would be a recipe for some fairly standard fapping, except for one thing. You see, apparently the women in this universe can’t seem to make babies (probably a result of too much tentacle rape – I’m just sayin’.) Anyway, with no babies comes no schoolkids and apparently enrollment has tanked. Thus in order to attract new kids each school each school has to do all kinds of crazy shit, and in this school all the boys have to go through some shit, I bet it’s something random like agreeing not to give rape permission slips out to the girls, this is Japan after all…

…the FUCK?! What self-respecting dude would want to go through something like that?

The HOMEROOM TEACHER? What is this I don’t even why does he even have to do it? Is he going to the school while teaching it? Do they have a strict Steven Tyler policy where every dude must look like a lady? God, that makes me so angry; I don’t give a fuck how broke you may be, but essentially setting yourself up to get plowed by a tentacle monster is never the answer.

Awright, let’s get on with the story before I have me a rage stroke. So apparently this chick Ueda and this chick Melissa are in the Japanese Culture Research Club, and their teacher liaison has gone on maternity leave and if they don’t find a replacement for her in a week, the club will be disbanded. I mean, I think it’s pretty harsh that they’ll disband the club instead of put it on hiatus cuz the liaison’s out having a baby, but that still doesn’t hold a candle to making the entire school essentially one big trap. Okay, so they want Sakuragi to fill in for their incapacitated liaison because Melissa’s an exchange student who’s only there till the end of the school year and wants to learn as much about Japan as possible, and every other teacher they’ve asked has like three other clubs to deal with, but unfortunately so does Sakuragi. So they realize they will have to resort to more drastic measures…

…and it looks like we might be going somewhere interesting until…

HOLY SHIT ANOTHER GUY?! Is there anyone in this universe that doesn’t have a dick? And then she…HE is named MELISSA? What kind of sick parents would name their male child Melissa? Were they planning on having their child go to Sex Change High from the beginning? I don’t know! Then the only person that we don’t know has a dick for sure starts sucking Melissa off, making my boner more confused than when I went to a Final Fantasy convention and watched Guilty Gear with a bunch of effeminate Clouds. Then the teacher with a dick has a thought I’d rather not know about…

…and we get treated to a line of text that the translator had to tell you he didn’t fuck up translating.

Not to mention we find out that Melissa’s cock is so much longer than all of ours that she (you know what, fuck it, I’m calling him she) sucks herself off on the reg, and the teacher is apparently impressed.

Then the possibly-dude pulls a dildo out of nowhere, and the inevitable happens.

And it is at this point that I must call shenanigans. You see, I’ve been a guy for quite some time now, and while I have never stuck anything in my ass, I must question even the slightest possibility that a dude’s ass would come when you put a dildo in it. I mean seriously, Japan’s a pretty fucking weird place – you could probably find just any ol’ person on the street who would agree to get a dildo stuck in his ass just to make sure it can’t splooge. A couple more frames of butt-jizzing and the teacher gives in to the boy-on-possibly-boy buttsecks, and agrees to become the temporary liaison if they stop being such possible-butt-pirates. But of course, no good deed goes unpunished, and the best way to say “thank you” in Japan is to…that’s right, JAM IT IN.

Fuck noises ensue, then we find out that possibly-a-dude is actually a girl! Hooray, this doujin isn’t a total trap-fest!

More fuck noises ensue, some face-thrusting, and the teacher finds out that “D” stands for dildo…

And everyone get someone’s else’s sperm in them. No homo. After the fuck noises die down, we find out that Melissa wants to stay in Japan after her exchange, but in order to get her trap visa her breasts have to be bigger. Them’s the rules.

Hooray, we’ve gotten through another edition of Mischif no Snark! Now that wasn’t so hard, was it? All that crying for nothing, and now we can go for ICE CREAM! Yeah!

Hello all you perverts and pervettes! Ah who am I kidding, no girls read this blog. Anyway – I’m Jeremy, but you can call me Mischif, and I’m a new writer for Onii-chan no Ecchi! I’ve been lurking here and there for about six months or so, commenting every now and again, and when Randall sent out a call for new contributors, I jumped all over it. Now I’m here, and I hope you don’t mind if I write some stuff for you guys.

Anyway, I was wracking my brain trying to think of something really nice to write about, and in the end I decided to take a page from Randall’s book and snark about something, and it just so happened that I managed to come across two doujins that are prime and ready to be snarked – to hold onto something as we delve into what I’m going to call “Mischif no Snark”.

Okay, first up we have “Upskirt Mama”, a shota doujin that starts with a duet of panty shots on the first page and a sound effect of a skirt flying up – so far, so good. Apparently the doujin starts at the end of a tennis lesson, as on page three we see multiple women in only underwear in the locker room. We also find out just how lucky the protagonist is, as he is yanked inside the locker room to have attention lavished on him by multiple women.

Of course, since this is a doujin, the women’s conversation turns toward sex. One woman asks the main female (hereafter referred to as the main) whether his dick has been taken care of (I don’t know why she would think the main would know this, he’s 11 and she’s at least three times that) and after giving the reader confirmation that the protagonist is the main’s son (which would be squicky if we weren’t all perverts), gives the main some of the worst parenting advice ever. And she decides to take it.

So after deciding that the best early Christmas gift would be an Oedipal complex, she brings him closer under the pretense of wiping her sweaty back. Now, this wouldn’t have been that bad if the camera hadn’t gone all fisheye and low-angled which makes her ass look huge

So now she’s topless and his dick’s hard, and the reader learns two things: one, incest gets her hot; and two, her pussy can say the word “wet”.

She decides to make the first move, and pulls some “mommy loves you” bullshit while stroking him through his pants. Then she finally gets the nerve to pull it out and…

Whoa. Hold on – he’s eleven and you expect me to believe his dick is three hand-widths wide? Seriously? Is there some sort of incest gene that makes your dick huge when you’re young? Because I totally wish I had it. Anyway, she starts to give him a blowjob and can’t fit the tip in her mouth. Then he starts licking her panties and we find out that apparently her vagina can say “lick” too. Then we pull out for another shot that makes her ass look like it could defeat Godzilla…

…and she finally decides that she wants him to JAM IT IN. Fuck noises are made and she realizes how good it feels for him to be back inside her vagina, and when he comes she wants to make him a brother-son. And when it’s all over we get some scene out of some Charles Manson-ish Aesop.

Cut to a cafe who knows how later and the other women want the main to tweet the deets while she’s sparking like a fucking Twilight vampire on the face of the sun. One of the women gets a bit jealous and begins to proposition the protagonist, but the main steps in to protect him. Yeah, it’s a little too late for that. The end!

Next up, Little Brother Junkie, another shota that starts with a pretty big bang as…

…what looks to be an eleven year-old girl breaks through a locked door to get to her brother, who looks quite like a girl himself. But she doesn’t really care, since he’s Kawaii As Fuck® and she just want to cuddle with him and lick his neck and shit. He gets tired of her licking on his neck and asks if there’s anything he can do to get her off him. Come to think of it, there is something she’s wanted to do…

…which is dress the protagonist up as a girl, makeup and all. Here’s where I read between the lines a little bit and assume she’s a lesbian, since dressing her little brother up as a pretty pretty princess makes her wetter than the Hoover Dam.

After finding out his big sister is sopping wet, his dick makes its first appearance from inside a pair of panties I don’t really think an eleven year-old should be wearing, and she decided to give him a titwank because his penis is “cute”. Seriously. Anyway, fuck noises are made, she swallows like a champ, and she must have magical tits since after what must be only 30 seconds she gets him hard again. She calls his penis “cute” again (sidebar: women who may be reading this – a man’s dick is never “cute”. Think up a masculine word and use that instead, please) and decides a titwank must not be “cute” enough, as she gets on top of him and rides him like a rodeo show. Here’s where I think the best line in the doujin comes up:

“It’s almost like you’re violating me.” Except since you’re older than him and you’re the one who initiated this whole ordeal, you’re actually the one violating him. I guess that’s where the almost comes in. Back to the story, we realize he’s just a two-pump chump and she wants to have a brother-son of her own since she makes him come inside her, and after this is all done…

…yep, it’s all back to normal. At the end, we find that she’s not just an incestuous older sister, she’s also an amateur photographer…with an urge to spread her brother’s “cuteness” on the internet. At least he’s old enough to know what the word “blackmail” means.

And that’s it! I hope you enjoyed yourself after the first of what I hope to be many editions of “Mischif no Snark”. Please feel free to tell me how I’m doing and what you’d like to see me snark on another time in the comments.