Note from Onii-chan: Let’s just try to keep in mind that I don’t make up the titles for these things… or any of the content. Oh and Scots are angry by nature… don’t take it personally. But I did name the series title. I thought it was pretty damn clever, baby. Awww yeah.

Good evening females and bacteria (ha, an injoke. I bet no-one gets it…), Onii-chan proudly presents to you: Me.

Who am I? I am a 19 year old Scottish – that’s in the UK for those of you who just came here for the nudity – university student, outrageously attractive, possessing a superior intelligence and 3 rich, Swedish girlfriends. Note: that was a lie, I’m a lonely, morose motherfucker like the rest of you, put your dicks away. So, before you all hit up Megaporn.com for another night of tasteless wank, I’ll explain to you my purpose in being here.

I am relatively new to the world of Japanese anime and about 15 seconds newer to the wonderful world of Eroge (I will put my penis in the mother of any man who thinks that makes it big and clever to refer to my inexperience with Anime as “virginity”). Anyway, one confused night of cheap beer, pent up teenage hatred and a newly found respect for ero led me to a site you know as OCnE (“oknay”) which presented me once a week with three beautiful things: boobs, satire and a sexy, sonorous, faceless voice that singularly justified the existence of podcasts and men. Since then, I have been lurking in the shadows in a stained anorak, watching… waiting… ahem. When OC (that’s “Onii-chan”, not “Orange County” you fucking children) presented us the opportunity of contributing to his site, I jumped at the chance.

Between sessions of passionate hetero man love, OC decided that I should write a series of articles chronicling my descent into depravity, providing – as he so loves to put it – “fresh perspective”. That’s right, a newbie view on what is good or bad or just plain wrong. As of yet, I have no real template for how these reviews will go, but I’m going to try and keep it to something like “first impressions, characters and discourse, technical aspects, and noteworthy moments”. If you have trouble following that, it probably wasn’t a great idea to put that screwdriver up your nose as a child. I’m open to suggestions though; any ideas on how to make this better would be good for all of us. You can catch me on the forum – I’m really not such a bastard as this makes me seem, I’m just hungry and tired. Though if anyone tries to sell me cheap Viagra or Rick-Roll me, I’ll cut their heart out with a shoe. Oh, also: if this is like a big enough hit, you lucky people might get to listen to me on the occasional podcast. Won’t that be fun? Yeah? Bunch of sheep.

Okay, so on with the show.

Because he’s a twisted, maniacal genius, OC instructed me to review “Bible Black” first. I’m sure for the majority of you, this is a pretty much a well known thing. For myself, however, I had only heard the name before… spoken in a hushed whisper. First impressions? Wow. In the first ten minutes we see a lady with a crucifix sword chant “Jesus” for five minutes and then stab a lady who looks scarily like one of my primary school teachers, and then school-teacher-lookalike-(somehow not dead)-lady has a penis and magically rapes a really stupid looking girl and firehoses rice pudding into her. After this, some kid fucks his student president (magically) after she begs him to rape him (it’s not rape if you shout “surprise”, right?), following two people just randomly having sex in a school corridor in front of everyone (magically). Just… what?!

The subtitles here read “Rape me”. As chat up lines go, this one seems effective.

Right, this kid, who’s an asshat: he’s probably the most boring person on Earth, except he practices magic (well, doesn’t everyone?!), is a total dick to his childhood sweetheart, has an unpronounceable name (I’m not very good at Japanese) and makes me angry enough that I’d be willing to shit in my own hand just so I could throw it at him. He’s the main character. Then there’s this girl, who’s cute, and she like’s him but he doesn’t like her as much and oh gawd, bored yet? There’s a host of totally unlikeable characters who all suck at making me care – one possible exception is this girl who is creepy, also practices magic, is kinda nice, kinda cool at the start and fucksake, one second later, is a total knob jockey. From what I’ve seen of ero so far, this is pretty rinse and repeat characterisation, just more… bile elevating.

Say whatever else you like about this school, their Personal and Social Development curriculum is comprehensive.

The story line isn’t exactly Nobel Prize worthy either. Like I said, this lady is naked and some girls are chanting “Jesus”, but she doesn’t like this so she has a bit of barney and cuts them all to pieces. Having sold her soul to the devil to spare her life provided she grows a dick and is a dick to everyone, she decides to become a school teacher in order to fuckbutt (thanks OC) some nubile, carefree young kids so she can cheat the devil and keep her soul. This main character guy finds a book that contains sex magic, and he uses it to get laid because he’s clearly (and understandably) tragically under appreciated by the opposite sex. But this backfires when penis teacher lady works out he’s got the book, then casts a spell on him or something and proceeds to rape her merry way through all his school chums, ‘cause she needs to use a spell in the book to transfer her soul (and cock) into another girl so the devil can’t get her. This girl is (predictably) the main character’s childhood lovely, and he has to try and save her but that’s a problem because the school student president who the main character raped is in love with the main character and… is anyone actually following this? Me neither. It would almost be a touching story if it wasn’t fucking crap (and porn). Read those last few sentences again, slowly. I mean, fucking hell, WHO thinks this shit up? Is there like a committee meeting somewhere with glasses of iced water and little snacks and one weird fucking dude says to the rest “Hey guys, check this idea out…” and then they, what, approve that motherfucker? Beautiful.

Technically speaking, Bible Black seems to be of a reasonably high quality (when compared to the other gormless drivel we laugh at). I’m not drawing on a wealth of experience, but the animation is pretty good and pretty consistent, budget seems to have been usable and the voice acting not awful… except the English dubs which are hilariously poor. Like, a sixty year old Romanian lady gargling for 20 minutes kinda poor. Ahh, and the music. It’s pretty much, throughout the entirety of this miserable experience, the same “epic” piano piece that plays in every single low budget softcore porn film of ever. Oh yeah, and why when ever someone orgasms does the camera (point of view/whatever) rapidly and repeatedly pan upwards? Are they coming so hard that they are accelerating faster than the camera can track them? It’s stupid. And then that’s usually followed by rivers of rice pudding, or custard or porridge or whatever it is they shoot into each other.

So then, noteworthy moments… Christ up a tree, where do I begin? Okay, in the second episode, following a lengthy, healthy discussion about sex, the student president chick has a complete break down and launches herself off the school roof top. Approximately two seconds later she hits the ground with a sound so childishly amusing it kept me hopeful for the next four episodes. This alone is worth watching Bible Black for.

Insert witty comment about drug abuse here.

Another great bit is when, after porking his art teacher, Inaneo or whatever his name is goes looking for his biatch, only to get jumped by the school student president type person, who stabs him in the gut, and then has oral and vaginal intercourse with him as he bleeds to death… Better still, the art teacher shows up just in time to save him, and turns out to be a badass – despite us seeing her in a previous episode hog tied and on the receiving end of an enema. Her excuse? “I was caught off guard”. Seriously, how off guard do you have to be for someone to put a length of Hozelock up your jacksy? She was looking the other way? They used a clever series of smoke and mirrors? Brilliant stuff. The whole final episode is praiseworthy along the same lines… tied up love interest is ready for sacrifice… cup of fresh jizz… slashed wrist blood… mix it all together, what do you get? Religious Ceremony! So good and evil clash, the young heroine, still nekked and bloodjizzled, gets penetrated by the teacher penis lady, which results in a sort of vaginal death star laser followed by a chromatic flashback sequence showing teacher penis lady as a young kiddling, then a rape victim, then… dunno really. She gets blood in her eye and takes about 5 minutes to die. After which the protagonist and his newly rescued girl have sexy time and shit. With all that said though, the ending proper was genuinely a pleasant surprise. We find the blonde magic chick in the basement trying to get the sex magic book, and then the heroine appears and turns out to be the penis teacher lady in disguise! Well, it was an exciting revelation for me. Fuck you all otherwise.

Girl falls in love with boy. Girl gets shunned by boy. Girl stabs boy. Boy gets fellatio. In theory.

So, to be honest, this was actually okay compared to some of the stuff I’ve seen on oknay. The story line was a convoluted, self contradicting piece of ass, the sex scenes within ranged from insipid and boring to disturbing and unappealing, the animation was for the most part good, if a little uninspired, and the characters were about as likable as a floaty poo in a heated Jacuzzi.

What, you want an easily comparable system by which you can accurately judge how I rate this? Okay then, 3/5.

The subtitles here read “Your ass is so squeaky”. Really.